Forgive me, father

Forgive me, father, ’cause I have sinned. Somewhere, inside the house father is sleeping, alone. Mother is working nights. They meet only in the morning when father’s aftershave lingers on the white pillowcase. The lights are dimmed, and it is two in the morning, and I can’t find my sleep. The bed seems to be curved in such a way the only thing I could do is stare at the cheap fan flying ceaselessly around the room. As it moves the light goes on and off. Finally, I say to myself, the talk is over. My neighbor’s little kid has finally gone to sleep. Now I’m alone with my thoughts. And you. And the brassy NYC wallpaper I bought for two euros. I look around the room and everything seems in place. My desk sits silently, fully submerged into a bizarre game of shadow and light, nauseatingly keeping its mouth shut. It knows too much, I whisper to myself. Once, using a short pencil, I wrote on it I wanna have sex with you, then immediately wiped it. Then, I wrote I love you and I wanna live with you. After that I found a picture of you. You were half naked and I touched it so many times the colors started to fade your face and body distorted by my fingerprints. I cut the picture in little pieces and threw it into the toilet. I had to flush twice until all the pieces were dragged into that whirlpool of water. I felt so guilty when I kissed you for the first time, not because it felt wrong, but because I wanted to do it again and again until my lips would go numb. Strangely enough, I felt like something was wrong as if our lips didn’t fit one into the other. As if they resembled each other too well. And then we did it again, and for one moment I felt like father was too asleep to overhear us while we joined our lips in the silence of breathing. Father, forgive me, ’cause I have sinned. And you took my shirt off and I took your shirt off, and you said I like how your body resembles mine. A mirror wouldn’t do it any better. And I said no, and you said yes, we’ll have to do this sooner or later. And this call was so alluring I couldn’t resist, like the sinner for whom sin is no more than a drug. Be silent, I said, father is sleeping in the other room and I wouldn’t want to explain this to him. He wouldn’t understand it anyway.

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